Hiatus

As it turns out, managing a major renovation, moving out, hiring a nanny, and having 3 kids can be a slightly stressful experience.

I'm not gonna lie folks, this reno has beaten me down a bit.  I'm a changed person.  The Little Dynamo has been broken.  More about my reno trauma in a later post.

For now, let me do some catching up.  We spent a glorious week at a rental cottage with Momma D and Ehmdo and it was lovely.  Going to the cottage was adding to my stress, initially.  It was finally looking like we would have a fully operational kitchen and then - BAM! - we had to pack everyone and everything up and head out of dodge and our house was going to lie fallow with no one around to tie up all the finicky loose ends for a week.  Also, while we were dealing with (to be detailed later) reno issues (the use of the word "issues" is a bit of an understatement) we were ALSO interviewing nannies and the Dotytron was teaching summer school and the Big Yam is home with me 3 days a week instead of just 1 and it was just...a lot.

I just wanted to be home, you know?  Home in my beautiful new kitchen, cooking on my beautiful new stove and using my beautiful new fridge, and chucking the mess in my beautiful new dishwasher.  But no, I had to go to the cottage and oh, did I resent it.  At first.  We drove up, unpacked all our boxes and once the initial frenzy of arrival-at-the-cottage wore off, all of this happened:

 Yes, that is Lindsay unabashedly stuffing his fat face with sand.

That grin kills me (my lower half edited out for unapologetic vanity purposes)

Naked  dockside snacks

Our neighbours tipped us off to a reconditioned steam train that runs in Huntsville so we took the Big Yam on a rainy day.  It was pouring and we were drenched and cold to the bone, but that smile made it so worth it.

Near the tail end of the week, this little nugget realized that you can go swimming naked at the cottage and he ran around with his gitch out thereafter.

The cottage was near-perfect.  On a point of land, so you couldn't see your neighbours.  A giant dock, a sandy entry for the kids, small enough so that the water was warmish but big enough that you got a decent canoe ride out of exploring it.  The fire pit was on a separate stretch of sandy beach and there was a horseshoe pit.  You could tell it was a well-loved and well-maintained family cottage, striking the perfect balance between homey, without you being slapped in the face with family photos of ugly kids you don't know doing cannonballs off the dock, and not being a suburban style McMansion.  It was just the reset I needed.

Things that have been making my summer so far:

- hangs with a very pregnant, due-any-day-now Dr. Rei, where we reminisce about old times (like, the time she wondered what life would be like if Evan Dando's real name was Evan Anne Dando), or older times like back in the raving days when everything I wore was basically a pocket square tied together with dental floss, or when the Dotytron is impersonating Prince and his adroit and uncanny ability to erase his internet footprint: "Police officers are always coming into schools and telling you that everything you put on the internet is forever, but Prince is all like, 'nuh-uh' *click*"

- Micelli Mondays.   Last year, we set up weekly themed movie nights with Lolly and SMcKay that involved a movie and an appropriately themed meal.  These eventually turned into just watching episodes of Who's The Boss.  The 2014 edition has been dubbed "Micelli Mondays" after the proto-feminist protagonist of the series and actually has never taken place on a Monday, but I love alliteration so there.  We've gone swimming and then to Country Style Hungarian and Baker Bots (which was supposed to be tied to a viewing of the Grand Budapest Hotel, but we couldn't squeeze that in).  We have made meatballs and watched Meatballs.  This past week's iteration was a mixed bag featuring: AYCE Japanese, a trip to Pacific Mall for the iPad mini cover pictured below, a random grab bag of fridge-clearing snacks for dinner, and a viewing of Divergent.

- The continued and progressive awesomeness of the Big Yam.  Quotes from this summer:

While watching one of his BBC Blue Planet documentaries - "'Meet the manta ray' means the manta ray eats meat."

After going to the beach, insisting on bringing rocks from the beach home despite the lack of pockets, shoving them into his underwear, and walking bow-legged back to our bikes - "The rocks are talking to me.  They're saying, 'I want hot dogs!'"

"Nana misses us." Me: "Yeah, she does."  BY: "She's saying, 'I wish they would come back so I can poop on them!'" The day after we moved back home after the renovation.

"What's diarrhea?"

- General good times with our friends and family and the neighbours.  The usual good stuff: swimming in the pool, wading pools, beach, backyard, etc.

These are the things that have been sustaining me while I think about the imminent BASEMENT UNDERPIN in our future.  UGH!  My mantra is: "it's cheaper than moving. It's cheaper than moving."  My actual coping mechanism is to ball up all the associated stress of 4 weeks of jackhammers and concrete and more dirt and dust and no laundry into a stress singularity that sits in the pit of my stomach, ignored except when the reality of packing up a whole floor of our house in the next three weeks comes to the fore.

Excuse me, I have to go curl up into a ball and cry silent tears of anxiety.

Fin.

One-der Twins

(See what I did there?) 

My babies turned one two Saturdays ago, and there's been so much upheaval around here that I'm only now getting a spare minute to talk it out.  I managed to carve out the time before our big renovation exodus to pick some key photos from the past year and was basically reduced to tears the entire time I spent scrolling through their sparse photo albums on my computer.

I'm feeling pretty guilty for how quickly the year has gone by and how little I have to show for it.  I can't believe they are a YEAR old.  I can't believe they went from being the scrawniest, most inept breathers and eaters, to the robust (though still on the small side) characters they are now.   I can't believe how much they've changed and how it happened without me noticing, even though I spend almost every waking moment with them.  I'm feeling guilty about how I wasn't present enough with them, and how I wasn't that doting, super-attachment parenting mom, and how the reality of our living situation basically means that they learned from very young to be self reliant and got accustomed to a lot of autonomy.  I'm feeling guilty that a whole year is GONE.  Gone.  Done.  Their entire first precious year, reduced to some photos and hazy memories.  

On a certain level, I can rationalize that it's always going to feel like this with your kids.  Especially when you're as baby-hungry as I am.  But I feel like I didn't soak it up enough.  I feel like I didn't relish every moment with these guys.  I have hundred and hundreds of photos of the Big Yam from my mat year leave with him.  These guys?  A fraction of that.  I wanted to document, to chart, to capture every moment and instead I get a stuttering jump-cut representation of this year.  And guys, really?  It was a hard, hard, hard year.  I know, I'm the original tough guy.  I don't complain (a lot).  I take what I'm given and I plow through.  That's my way.  My low days this year were very, very low.  Maybe it's for the best that I only have the greatest hits reel?

I know some moms who are WITH their kids.  Like, WITH THEM.  24/7 love.  Moms where every cry is answered with a comforting hand on a brow, a shush, cuddles until eyelashes rest on chubby cheeks, where all their actions are narrated for the developmental benefit of the growing minds in their charges, moms who drink in their babes every second of the day.  I'm not that mom.  Sometimes I wish I was that mom - there's a niggling part of me that suspects that those moms have better reserves of patience and unending wellsprings of love for their children, and don't sit there juggling sourcing floor tile on the computer, negotiating with the patio door people on the phone, and organizing oil changes for the car in a paper day timer, while their babies do laps around the main floor, only looking up when their babies pull down cake stands on themselves or the babies are already halfway up the stairs.  

This post has taken me about three days to write and I'm exhausted and I can't pull a coherent thought together.  In summation: I'm sad they're so big, I love them to the ends of the earth, I want to put the breaks on time, I resent capitalism and modernity for making me less able to savour my time with them.  

This year has challenged me in ways I couldn't have imagined.  As far as day-in, day-out goes, I still think my time in a professional kitchen was more consistently difficult, but this year has pushed and stretched me.  I've still got a lot of growing to do and I'm hoping that I can be given the grace to become the parent I want to be.  

I love them so f**king much.

Fin.

Helmut Newton...

...has left the building.

By that I mean, that at our Sick Kids orthotics visit on Monday, Quincess had a head scan and has hit (or exceeded) all the benchmarks we had wanted to.  There are all these vectors they measure: quadrant to quadrant symmetry, the overall cranial vault asymmetry index, etc.  His head circumference has increased by almost 2cm since we started in late January.  It's been so hot these past few days and he was such a little sweatball that we had decided that if there wasn't going to be much projected growth in the next month, we'd just call it now.  Since he's hit all his markers, then we were good to go.  Look at how much his head shape has changed since the first time:

Look at how lopsided his little head was!  

I'll forego the suspense.  After 5 months of 23 hour-a-day helmet wearing, here he is:

Just kidding.  That's Lenny.

 Here he is, for real:

Look at that little sweet face!  

Hanbo referred to Quincess as "Helmut Newton" once and it was (is) the best nickname ever.  He really does look so much better.  The back is still a little flat, but not nearly as pronounced as it was, and the bulging on one side has completely evened out.

I have no time for more - packing up my kitchen and bathroom and today I had all three kids to myself ALL DAY and I am super fart-sacked.  I will say that the brightest moment for me today was when I went to the park with my neighbour's nanny, who is hands-down the best nanny I've ever encountered.  So present, so full of energy, patience, Montessori-trained, ECE trained, so many projects (daily science experiments, philosophy, Waldorf-y type stuff, Socratic method) - she's like, a next-level nanny.  She's young too - like, 25 or something and just loves working with kids and it shows.  So I've been doing the odd thing with her on Thursdays because my neighbour and I had a semi-regular overlapping maternity leave date that I've continued with the nanny, when available.  I had just come back from a peeing-on-the-park-slide reset with the Big Yam and she asked me what I used to do before having the kids, and I told her, and she said she thought I used to work in childcare because I'm so good with kids.

ME, GOOD WITH KIDS!

I've seriously been coasting on that all day, LOL!  I'm on my best behaviour around her, because I want her approval, and guys, it TOTALLY worked.  On a day like today (when I started at 5:30am and had all three kids home with me and it's 10pm and the Dotytron isn't home yet) in a week like this week (when there's so much upheaval and I have to pack everyone up to live out of the home and also pack up 2 major rooms in the house, and project manage the renos in addition to all my other admin), that kind of comment is enough to give me the boost I need to stay a calm, centered, reflective, and present parent.

I'm trying to be less reactionary and more calm (I say that all the time, but this week especially!) because the Big Yam has been having some major regressions and I think it's stress and anxiety related and the thought of him being all stressed out and anxious is like, the saddest.  So before we would react rather sternly to potty-training issues (especially since he's been trained for almost a full year) but we're just trying to be chill, and supportive, and not censorious, and just all around shower him with love and attention because he's obviously going through something and doesn't have the wherewithal to either a) properly express it; b) recognize it; or c) even identify the cause.  Poor little boobla.  It makes me so sad to think of him being uneasy to the point where it's been manifested in physical behaviours.  I think the kindergarten open house last week kind of made s**t really real for him and I think he's stressed about it.

I love that little nugget.

Fin.

All Of The Lights

For the past 3 years my street has pooled resources and done fireworks in the park for Victoria Day.  This year, the woman who usually grabs them was away, so I did the organizing and volunteered to grab them from the fireworks store.  I can't remember what we spent last year per family, maybe $15?

I went to Kaboom! and it was hands-down one of the best customer service experiences I've ever had. First of all, I walk in, and it's like 3 Asian dudes who must have maxed out at age 22, going to town on a late lunch from Domino's that consisted of a THREE large pieces, a bunch of garlic knot things and wings.  A large pizza per person is SO CLASSY, in my books.  Then, one of those sweet kids agreed to stand outside and keep an eye on the van while the Wonder Twins snoozed so I could shop.  Then, the 22 year old store manager personally walked me around the store and helped me sort out a show.  This guy was an expert.  In the past, I think the woman has just bought those "kits" which are pretty lame - a million roman candles and burning schoolhouses.  SNOOZERS.  This guy made sure my show had a narrative arc with a beginning, middle, and end and I will say, that after witnessing the show on Sunday night, à la carte is the way to go.  I went a *little* bit crazy and spent like, $150, but the kid manager totally threw in a million sparklers and gave me mad deals on what I bought.  It was amazing.

People who complain about paying that much for fireworks are also the kind of people who can't appreciate how awesome it is when a kid manager buys his staff a large pizza each.  I would love to work in that environment.  Talk about morale!

We had such a nice long weekend.  Saw friends every day - the Roomie and baby T, dinner with JJ and S, MHui and her fambam, our friends B & G and their new baby.  So sweet!  We went for walks and ate ice cream and went out for a restaurant dinner, all five of us, which is pretty special.  When it goes off well, it's like, TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!  Eating at a REAL restaurant?  That is a feat, my friends.

JJ & S's kids are super-geniuses.  I was being a goofball and I was asking their 9 year old a series of inane questions: "Do you like to eat meatballs?  Do you like to eat giant meatballs the size of your head?" and he didn't answer me, so I said, "B! What, you're not talking to me?" and he said, "I assumed the question was rhetorical."  LOL!  He's NINE.

I can only hope my kids are that smart.  The Big Yam has been trying to figure out a bunch of stuff lately.  "Where does pee come from?"  "Where's my bladder?"  "What belly did Baba come from?"  "What does a Japanese spider crab eat?"  It's hilarious and amazing watching him process your answers.  You can see the wheels turning as he figures out how to phrase his question, and then again once you've given your answer.  My neighbour turned me onto these Youtube dudes called the "Slo Mo Guys" who basically make things explode and record it in super HD and play it back in slow motion.  Everything in that preceding sentence is the manifestation of the totality of little kid fantasies.  When the Big Yam isn't watching hours of ocean documentaries, he wants to watch this:

Meanwhile, the Quincess continues to be such a quiet, clever little lad.  He's like a classic middle child, which is hilarious, because he's the middle child by four minutes.  You basically show him something once and he'll give you a classic Quincess side-eye and then try to figure it out or start to mimic you.  Meanwhile, Lindsay Lou-Lou is, as the Dotytron said the other night, "kinesthetically smart" and then, in a whisper, "the fake kind of smart."  LOL!  Poor Lindsay Lou-Lou.  I don't want to box them in from the time they are babies though, so I will say that, right now,  Lindsay is physically advanced and is very attuned to his own emotions (read: he's very sensitive).

Now, a photo dump:

My garden, 2 weeks ago, freshly mulched and looking fiiine.  

Lendigan just back from the Grateful Dead concert

Happy, crooked smiling Quincess

11 month shot!  So squirmy!

The Big Yam and the babies and I spent all of a gloriously sunny yesterday picnicking in the park.  They've turned out the splash pad water but yesterday was the first real day it's been warm enough to think about getting wet.  Look at that little munchkin' swagger!

21st century manhood

Minds: blown (they can't figure out 2D pics of people they know)

More from our picnic

Lendigan making a run for it

Chicken Milanese dinner on a bed of roasted grape tomatoes and baby arugula

Cinqo de Mayo posole

Meat-free meal - tagliatelle tossed with wilted radicchio and bagna cauda and topped with a fried egg

Mother's day meal: seared rib eyes, brussels sprouts roasted on the grill, potatoes grilled with red onions

That time I ate 2lbs of macaroni and cheese with crispy thyme breadcrumbs

Meat-free meal: roasted asparagus on garlic toast with a fried egg, hollandaise, and leftover thyme breadcrumbs

Stromboli (basically, pizza dough rolled up with sopressata and provolone and roasted red peppers), served with tomato sauce and arugula salad

Alsatian flammenkuchen - caramelized onion, lardon, and crème frâiche on pizza dough.

French chocolate "silk" pie - basically chocolate mousse in a pie crust - I made a pretzel crust but wasn't happy with it.  Next time, will either use a chocolate sablé crust, or the standard piecrust, parbaked.  The filling is worth making again.  Will post the recipe below.

Based on one of my favorite sandwiches from La Cubana - grilled halibut with an avocado-pineapple salsa and a Greek salad.

Fin.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

French Chocolate Silk Pie

serves 10-12

1 piecrust, parbaked

1 c. heavy cream

8 oz. bittersweet chocolate, chopped

3 eggs

3/4 c. granulated sugar

2 T. water

8 T. unsalted butter, room temperature, cut into roughly tablespoon-sized pieces

- whip the heavy cream until stiff peaks form, set aside in the fridge.

- melt the chocolate, stirring until smooth, set aside

- whisk the eggs, sugar, and water together in a bowl set over a pot of simmering water (double boiler style), and whisk until the mixture feels hot to the touch when you dip a finger in it.  Remove, and beat with a whisk attachment or beaters until thickened and cooled to room temperature.

- beat in the butter, piece by piece, then beat in the melted chocolate.

- fold in the whipped cream.

- pour mixture into your cooled pie shell vehicle of choice, then place plastic wrap directly on the surface and chill for a few hours, or overnight.  

- top with additional whipped cream and serve.