Friday, February 20, 2015

Mama Guilt

Guys, I just noticed after watching the Lindsay "Whoa" video posted the other day that the Quincess reaches his little hand out for a chance to crack the egg and I didn't even notice because I was so focused on recording Lindsay's reaction.  UGH!  I'm stewing with guilt, here.

I'm also stewing with guilt because I was a total psycho and was mean to the Big Yam when I was at the end of my rope and he had a deuce-related semi-accident.

Those are recent parenting fails I've experienced.  Me when I'm not at my best.  Ugh!  Why am I the worst, sometimes?!

I planned an outing with a neighbour earlier this week.  Our local library was holding a "Star Talk" with a professor from U of T's department of Astronomy and Astrophysics giving a short introduction on how to navigate the winter night sky and then a chance to look at Jupiter and its moons through some cool telescopes. In my head, I pictured the Big Yam sharing my enthusiasm for a learning experience, marveling at the cosmos, providing examples of his brilliance and his ability to formulate an oh-so-cute "question" for the professor.  What I got was: him winking his eye and holding it about 6" away from the eyepiece of the telescope and complaining that he couldn't see anything, hucking chunks of ice off the platform onto the sidewalk, tittering with his friend and distracting the audience during the Q & A, and then refusing to pick up and put on his coat/hat/scarf/mittens.  It was a real treat.  Then, when he came home, he kicked one of our cats in frustration and we had to put him to bed without stories.

On the plus side, **I** got a lot of out the talk and it wasn't the most egregious example of a planning outing gone astray, but it wasn't the best.  I get that he's a kid, and his days are long, and he's tired, and his life is full of upheaval and he's not great at regulating his emotions.  I'm TERRIBLE at regulating my emotions.  Half my life is spent atoning for my inability to regulate my emotions.  It's such a poor use of time!  The Big Yam is trying on a bunch of new stuff and I get that.  He's learned that saying something/someone is "stupid" is not acceptable in our house and he's been trying some 4 year old rebellion on for size.  We told him that if he wants to use "bad" words, he can go up to his room and close the door and practice saying them up there.  I also gave him the option of going outside on the weekend, shoveling snow, and shouting his "bad" words as loud as he wanted.  He took me up on my offer, which resulted in some hilarity.  A kid out back, bundled up, screaming, "YOU'RE STUPID!!!" as loud as he can must be a pretty funny sight for our neighbours.  Anyway, we all just try to do better the next day.  That's what I tell him during our fireside chats, and that's just what we all have to do.  You get up and you try better the next day.

Does this mean that when you are doing the bedtime routine after a day when you haven't been your best, and your kid turns to you all drowsy and smushy and gives an umprompted, "I love you" that your heart doesn't try to fly out of your chest while you simultaneously squirm with how undeserving you feel of that gift after your wretchedness?  No.  But you take that squirmy discomfort and you go to sleep, get up, and try again, for better, the next day.

Yesterday was Chinese New Year.  I took the day off of work and went up to Markham to hang with my mum because a) the cousins were in town and the Big Yam loooooves hanging with his cousins; and b) our power was going to be shut off in our house all day (on one of the coldest days of the year!) so I needed somewhere to take the kids.  The power was shut off because when we dug down the basement my once-chest-height electrical panel was now unreachable and for SOME REASON the Electrical Safety Authority thinks that's a safety risk.  Pfft!  So I dressed up the kids in chinoiserie and we went up there and ate lunch and hung out:

COME ON, right?  So cute!  I got hosed on the outfits at Pac Mall on the 
weekend, but it's so worth it.  

The Big Yam and Little little cousin are so funny together.  Little little cousin calls the Big Yam, "See-O" and they were working together on this lift-the-flaps alphabet puzzle type thing.  Little little cousin goes: "You should do 'S' See-O because it's in your name."  Big Yam, "No it's not!"

We went to visit my grandma at the nursing home.  Best group shot of life for the following reasons: a) Quincess' face/expression/puffed up hair, b) Lindsay's muscle-man shoulders from his outfit being bunched up, c) the level of colour coordination and balance in the picture is amazing.

Usually when you put them down for a nap, there's at least 10 minutes (and sometimes, up to a half an hour) of this kind of giggling, gabbing, and chicanery.  So cute.  These guys love a classic "smush your face against something see-through" gag, hard.

Tonight I'm rolling solo with the three while the Dotytron gets his tattoo coloured.  Even though I did it twice a week (and more) on mat leave, rolling solo with the three now always fills me with a faint dread.  We have been SO SPOILED having a nanny!  It's insane.  We have gone soft.  Friday night rolling solo is way more manageable though.  It should (will) be fine.  I'm not actually concerned, but there's always a bit of "How am I ever going to fill the TIME?!"

Thank god for Friday Night Movie Night and a fridge full of delicious Congee Queen leftovers.


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