Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The right way

I keep feeling like there's things that I should be doing during this time. Like I should be crying more or I should be still more or I should not be laughing or making time for friends. It feels wrong that life has resumed a fairly regular rhythm and I feel like I'm being judged for not wearing a mantle of grief all the time.

I know that I'm in shock. It really doesn't feel real. I know that as different significant dates pass (holidays and the like), there will be more grieving to come. Grieving is really a process that's different for everyone...but I can't help feeling guilty. I think that in Western, capitalist-driven culture, we're not really given a lot of time or space to be quite and reflect and be present and still in our emotions. I know that I'm particularly guilty of that in my day-to-day life, whirling from one item on my task list to another. I know that this tendency has been exacerbated by the presence of the Big Yam in my life and his insatiable demands and boundless energy. You kind of have to be an organizational wunderkind when you have a kid if you prize any semblance of order or predictability (and I do, Lord knows I do).

I feel like I'm trying to hold it down so that the Dotytron isn't destabilized too much and by extension so that we can both support Momma D and Ehmdo. I'm feeling numbed by the demands of being normal - with school, the Big Yam, going back to work, keeping a household running.

As Dr. Rei reminded me though - there's multiple ways of grieving and there's no right way. I'm definitely finding it comforting leaning on friends and family. I'm hoping that the Dotytron will be able to take Friday to be quiet and alone and reflective - I'm taking the Big Yam out shopping with Momma D and the Dotytron is taking the day off of work. It will be a good chance for him to be alone - he's rarely alone, with me and Master T and being surrounded by kids all day at work and all. He can think about what he wants to say at the service and just be meditative and live in the moment in his emotions. I'm hoping that I will get the opportunity at a later date to do the same, although I do get to steal an hour here or there - writing this miserable blog is really when I get to do that and I'm grateful to have this as an outlet and grateful that all my readers (yes, all 2 of you) indulge me.



dr. rei said...

<3 <3 <3 <3

Big Yam's Aunty said...

love you sis!

Chris said...

Well, that makes at least 3 readers!!