Tuesday, July 20, 2010

on hold

life's on hold for the moment.

the dotytron's poppa (granddad) and patriarch of the dotytron clan was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about two months ago. it happened really suddenly. one minute he was fine, then he suddenly had trouble breathing so he went in, and then through a series of tests they found out about the cancer. last thursday he took a turn for the worse and was admitted to the hospital with trouble breathing and weakness and dehydration. momma and poppa d told us to go to the farm anyway and that they'd let us know if anything happened.

yesterday he felt really weak and requested his family come to visit him. so we took off work and headed out there.

he's doing better now. he has pneumonia that they're fighting with antibiotics. they're stopping the chemo and when space becomes available in a hospice they're going to be moving him there.

this really sucks, guys. poppa is the glue that holds the dotytron unit together - he's a doty through and through and he's so strong and proud and good natured and it's just awful how quickly everything happened. nany kept commenting on how one moment they were going around their usual business and suddenly now he's where he is. we're just trying to make sure he stays comfortable and we'll get out to see him as much as we can - the visits are tiring for him though.

this getting older business is the worst. and i know it makes me an awful person for saying it but i just wish it was happening to someone else. i know we all have to die, but it doesn't make it any easier and it's a curious injustice that we can't just all go in our sleep.

i just really want him to meet his great grandson. the first little guy to carry on the doty name in this branch of the family, all the way down from the first doty who stepped off the mayflower onto the americas, edward doty. poppa's super into genealogy and tracing family trees. granted, the fatburger isn't going to look the way poppa might have expected the doty lineage to turn out, but still, a doty's a doty, a doty. and we can only hope that spumante is as good and strong and caring and loving and full of grace as his great grandfather.

i'm a bit of a hormonal emotional wreak lately. leaky all over. a while back my friend N hepped me to this blog, pacing the panic room, by this guy in florida - who writes about life, parenting, etc. he did a series for this woman called "walk to 40 weeks" which documented a pregnancy and the growth of a family week by week through this woman's pregnancy. it culminates in the birth of their baby in this video which you can see here:

the last moments of 57 hours

i watched it at work with the sound off and was bawling my eyes out. just the strength of that woman, the calm, the peacefulness (i'm sure the calm and peacefulness was facilitated by me NOT having to listen to devendra banhart playing over the video) as they brought that squealing, slippery, little babe into the world had my usually cold, black heart a-melt. life is a miraculous thing to behold in all its terrible wonder.

fin.

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