Saturday, May 15, 2010

mental health day

i took a mental health/warding off sickness day yesterday. the dotytron is convinced he's coming down with strep throat and thus far, 2nd tri is kind of kicking my ass in the "wanting to sleep 10000000 hours a day/no motivation/feeling logey department" i've also been suppressing all these worries and concerns and not really dealing with my own ambivalence about parenthood, which is manifesting itself in a lot of stress and headaches and falling asleep at my desk at work.

the long and short of it is: i've never been the person who's KNOWN that they want to be a parent and to raise a child. in fact, i've actually veered in the EXACT OPPOSITE direction. i've campaigned actively against marriage and the nuclear family and then somehow found myself doing both in the space of a year. there still is a part of me that hasn't ruled out secretly divorcing the dotytron just so that i can keep my political praxis intact. anyway, everyone is always so stupid-happy for you when you tell them you're preggos that i feel like there isn't even a space for you to voice your own misgivings. like, it's a G-D effin' miracle and any word otherwise makes you seem like a really bad, selfish, person who spitting in the face of evolution and our own primordial genetic imperative.

the only thing(s) that made me start to waver on my position were seeing my niece and nephew and how freakin' amazing they are and how much i love them - that kind of made me feel like i might just want to buy into this whole reproductional ponzi scheme. and also knowing the dotytron and how good he is with the chillun's and how he's going to be a super-fantastico pater familias and how who am i to deny him that?!?

so i'm a hormonal, bad parent-to-be mess right now. talking to the roomie has definitely helped - she assures me that a lot of people feel the way i do - it's just not vocalized much and put into the public sphere much. she also feels guilty because she thinks that a lot of my concerns and hypochondria are stemming from her time living with us and how i know entirely too much about all the things that can go wrong with the whole process. i've been denied the opportunity for the whole ignorance is bliss thing. talking to dr. rei has helped too, although her encouragement is a little less founded in knowledge (ie. she doesn't know what a preemie is) and more in the blind faith that you want in a bestie.

ANYWAY, yesterday i couldn't face the idea of going into work and staring at my computer when all i wanted to do was hide under the covers and not face the world. so i stayed home, slept a tonne, did some small errands, and then made new drapes for the living room, in anticipation of the new couch being delivered on wednesday. this means that on wednesday night, while the dotytron was plugging away at his school stuff, i rearranged the living room, including moving our fully loaded ikea 4x4 expedit, by myself. i think it looks good. it'll look a little full, but still good.

last night we met up with uncle stevie and went to eat sushi at sushi delight. then we came home and caught up on "top chef masters" and passed out. the dotytron thinks he's coming down with strep throat.

today the plan is for me to hook up with our buddy B and go to this arab grocery store, arz, in scarborough, and then prep the dining room and maybe paint the one white wall. then we're heading over to tillers and J's in the kdubs for a bbq/potluck in honour of their pimpin' new bathroom (heated floors!) i made a macaroni salad, based on the dinosaur bbq recipe. i think i might also bring a spinach salad and i'm definitely also bringing a chocolate-hazelnut mousse cake. funzies! the dotytron has a lot of work and is battling sickness so he may or may not be joining me. his loss.

fin.

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