Tuesday, April 13, 2010

this is the story...

of how i got (am getting) hit on by a media personality.

last friday, i'm standing in line at the resto, waiting to order my grilled cheese on whole wheat treat. a lady standing in front of me, turns to the suited up guy behind me, and says, "hey kid cudi, i've seen you on tv a lot lately, you're looking good" and so i turned around to look and it's some vaguely greazy MAN in a suit. now, i have this bad habit of always assuming that grown men in suits at the resto are high ranking u.s. politicians. this is because of my shameful secret: that i still don't know all the high ranking u.s. politicians by face, yet. so i err on the side of caution.

i go up and place my order and the guy behind me says, "make that 2" so i turn and start talking to him. he asks me what i do, what my name is, etc. he tells me that he's an actor and a hip hop mc, and i feel bad for not recognizing him (i'm also hyper-self conscious at my work because i don't follow the news as closely as i should - i'm too busy keeping myself abreast of youtube sensations and internet memes to be - ya know, important stuff like that...lol!) so i say, "sorry, i don't watch much tv" and then we're making idle chit chat about lunch (that i would get fries except i'm planning on going to burger king and doing a calorie splurge on the weekend) and what level of service my work offers to members of the press (they're clients of ours.) so i grab my sandwich and he goes, "what was your last name again?" and i tell him and take off with a polite, friendly, "nice meeting you." he definitely left a smarmy vapour in the air - the talking was a little TOO dialed in and way too much eye-to-eye contact - so he was either trying to sell me a house/car, get my vote, or was hitting on me.

go upstairs and talk to my buddy K and tell her that i'm pretty sure i was being hit on by some dude. and i tell her who and she's all like, "OMG, M & G (my other work girls) ALSO had an experience with that guy" (i guess kid cudi likes asians.) anyway, the story with G & M is that one year they ran into him at the grammys and he was talking with a piece of gum in his mouth that he accidentally spat out AND THEN PUT BACK IN HIS MOUTH (i'm pretty sure that's the story) and then went sniffing around M's office the following day looking for her but she was away from her desk. it ended at that.

if only i had been so lucky.

p.s. we're pretty sure he's married. to a GORGEOUS asian woman.

p.p.s. he looks like this:

ummmm...such a MAN, right? maybe i'm delusional, but i like to think that i look WAY too young and cool and NOT like a "woman" to be seen associating with a dude who looks like that. jeez. i like my guys in crooks and adidas.

i eat my sandwich. half an hour later, my desk phone rings, and it's HIM ASKING ME TO GO FOR COFFEE. so i'm all flustered because i don't want to be rude to a client and it's not like it's SO OBVIOUS that he's hitting on me, but c'maaan. so i'm like, "uhhh, i'm on back-up" (which means i'm on call to handle rush, walk-in requests) so he goes, "i guess that means you're chained to your desk" and i say yes and then he ASKS ME FOR MY EMAIL.

so i give him the work one because it's still not clear that it's not professional.

THEN FIVE MINUTES LATER I GET AN EMAIL. the subject line: "fishy" (literally, it said the word fishy, not like it was suspect, even though it was so it's kind of an inadvertent double entendre).

and the wording is SO SUGGESTIVE!!! it goes like this: "i had the seafood soup, it was okay, but now all i taste is salmon. i prefer the taste of my grilled cheese - ketchup of course. i'm sure you regret not getting the fries, i should have pressured you more so i could have plucked some from your pile. ha. nice talking to you" [emphasis mine]

WHAT THE FUZZ?!? so i'm all like, what the heck do i do?!? anyway, it gave everyone a good laugh on friday and livened up the rest of the afternoon.

i sent back a generic email saying that you have to be careful what you order down there, have a good weekend, nice meeting you, etc. very tasteful (i think) and not suggestive.

then yesterday he sends me an email asking about whether i got burger king on the weekend...still pretty casual. i respond that i didn't - keeping it light.

THEN HE EMAILED ME ASKING ME OUT FOR COFFEE AGAIN TODAY.

so i said, "sorry, i can't - i'm busy all afternoon, but i gotta ask, is the coffee personal or professional?"

now, you're going to wonder why i didn't do a lot of things - like tell him i'm hitched, shut him down, etc. and this is where being hit on at work complicates things. if this was the club, in the street, etc - i know what to do - you get the polite, tight-lipped smile, and the "oh no you di'n't" finger wave in your face or something equivalent. if you continue to press your case, then you get the b****y put down that is simultaneously HILARIOUS (for me) and puts you in your place. but this is work, so i feel like my hands are tied.

also, the feminist in me is not one to go running around telling people that i'm married. i don't feel like it's anyone's business. and the non-hetero-normative-monogamous in me doesn't feel like that's a truthful response - i don't want to support an institution i find problematic by leaning on its problematic elements as an excuse. i'm not interested in him because he's gross. not because i'm married. and not because i have a husband. to me, the two are unrelated (yes, i concede that that's a less conventional view of the bonds of marriage, but that's the only way i can be okay with it.)

THEN he sends the grossest email back (which i kind of didn't even understand) where he responds to some of my polite filler and then says this: "the coffee request was personal (he says .. waiting for the thump)"

i didn't get what the "waiting for the thump" part meant but K suggested it's cuz he thought he was going to get shot down.

so my response was this: "THUMP...ha. while it’s super flattering to know what i made such an impression on a random trip for a grilled cheese sarnie, i’m afraid i’ve got too many extra-curricular activities on the go to contemplate complicating my work life with anything beyond friendly banter. also, I don’t drink caffeine."

which, correct me if i'm wrong, i consider to be pretty clear, but still friendly and professional.

THE GUY WRITES ME BACK (I KID YOU NOT):

"i’m uncomplicated. just so you know. ;) and coffee .. was a metaphor.
i figure a brilliant library researcher would like that word. and its implications.
let me see .. i have tea, herbal tea, california cabernet sauv, single malt scotch, beer and vodka in my office. doesn’t sound complicated to me. don’t’ suppose you have an email that’s NOT work issued that we can banter on"

and then gave me his gmail address.

WHAT THE BLOOD. WHO DOES THAT?!!!? WHO DOES THIS WORK ON?!!!? also, WORST METAPHOR EVER. what a skeezeball. now i'm just mad. i was being polite and professional and i felt sad for his leisure suit larry ways before (it's sad seeing a grown a** man acting like a chump), but now i'm just pissed that he refuses to take a hint AND thinks this crap works on me. so you're basically going to push the issue until i outright tell you that i'm way out of your league? that you don't have a chance in hell? that you're GROSS?!? what a creepz0rz.

so now i'm going to email that gmail address and nip this in the bud. something along the lines of: "you're barking up the wrong tree, bud" or "i'm way out of your league, bro-dawg"

or something else if inspiration strikes. i gotta say though, being on the hinterland side of 30, it's nice to know i still got it. and when i say "i still got it" i'm being SUPER undiscriminating. i get a bit of an ego rush if a homeless man hits on me or if i get a wolf whistle biking by a methadone clinic. i ain't picky, ya hear?

tonight i made a splendid mostly vegetarian dinner. i made a red lentil and leek soup with crispy bacon, sage, and a touch of cream and some heat from red chili flakes. the dotytron insisted on pureeing it with the hand blender until it became "velveteen."

i also made quesadillas with sautéed beet greens and roasted red pepper and cheddar cheese.

so good!

now we're off on a nightly walk and then yoga, reading, and bed.

fin.

1 comment:

Chris said...

Damn, when I heard CTV news anchor I was hoping Lloyd Robertson was making a play for you.