Monday, July 21, 2008

i can't carry this alone

okay, so here's the deal. on saturday night at J's birthday party, the host D, happens to work at this alternative, independent video store in the wellesley area. as the night was winding down, we were wondering what we were going to do (this is AFTER we received an invigorating and inspired execution of the "jumpstep" dance courtesy of J). H says, "let's watch a tony video!" M starts protesting. the dotytron and i have no idea what's going on. what follows has been indelibly burned into my retinas...i only hope i can adequately convey to you how effing CREEPY this s**t was, so i don't have to carry the burden of this knowledge on my own.

apparently, every few months, for the past 5 or 6 years, "tony" will drop off a video at the store without anyone noticing. no one has ever seen him in the store. but the staff will turn around, and there on the counter, will be a vhs tape with a label inscribed "tony music" and the year. the tape consists of 6-8 hours of non stop "music videos" that tony has made. tony kind of looks like a super haggard dog the bounty hunter/kris kristofferson/nick nolte's mug shot/andy dick's mug shot (the most recent one). the videos are super-grainy and distressed looking and feature a lot of cheesy, low-grade video editing techniques (fades, diamond cut outs, etc) and just keep running one after another. tony is standing there against a variety of exceedingly stomach-turning backdrops. they're not graphic, per se...more like saturated with an unsettling, distasteful malignance. the backdrop could be something simple like a few cloths tacked up behind him, to in front of the kitchen counter with mannekins awkwardly and disjointedly posed wearing leather garb and thiftstore leavings. other, more insidious and skin-crawling backdrops include portraits of random nudes (some hand drawn) and various photos of indeterminate origin.

all but one of the songs that i saw (a relatively upbeat, 50s elvis costello-influenced number) showcase his droning, growling, voice against eerily detached pre-set synthesizer beats, sometimes accompanied by a guitar. in some of them he's clothed. in some of them, he's naked except for a codpiece. sometimes he wears a skull mask and then pulls a mesh stocking overtop. sometimes (the most unsettling of all) he draws on his face with magic marker - carving cartoonish, malevolent skulls and twisted, stretched, clowns onto his own features. some of them feature him in creepy bondage gear, and some of them he's completely naked, dancing listlessly and completely detached before the camera.

it was so. scary. his eyes are dead most of the time and it seems like he hasn't slept in weeks. he's basically like the dude (not lecter) in "silence of the lambs." a WHOLE vhs tape (one of many) filled with his songs and these terrifying videos. the fact that he exists and indeed, is someone's neighbour just makes me feel sick to my stomach. picturing someone doing this in his dark, dank, depressing basement apartment is enough to make you never want to walk alone at night. so. effing gross.

in cheerier news...yesterday's bbq was a blast! it was as strange mishmash of people but everyone was in fine form and i NAILED the ribs (the smoking part...i kind of burned them when i finished them on the grill with the bbq sauce). i served ribs, smoked chorizo sausage, potato salad, watermelon tomato feta mint salad, and corn bread. i also made cherry pie and chocolate pudding pie. the cherry pie was AMAZING. i pwned that crust. it was flaky, buttery, tender but still strong enough to hold up to the weight of the cherries and their juices. i brushed the top of the pie with some beaten egg white and sprinkled turbinado sugar on top, which added some crunch. served slightly warm with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, it was a lovely, lovely thing indeed. not bad for my first-ever cherry pie! it's definitely going on the summer roster.

key moments from last night included:

- our friend S rhapsodizing about bill gates' hair. S is under the impression that bill gates has augmented his hair and hooked himself up with a "sick piece" - despite the protestations from everyone else.

- the dotytron dropping one of his signature, it-shouldn't-be-funny-but-it-is-because-of-the-sincerity-and-funny-face lines that he does. this one was related to buying tea in the dessert. to quote: "i would TOTALLY buy tea in the dessert." i laugh because it's just so the dotytron to want to buy tea in the dessert

- talking about those saucy pics of bill gates where he's draped quasi-seductively over some computers and giving the camera sleepy bedroom eyes.

>- me telling people how apparently david suzuki is a colossal jerk with no social skills and the roomie coming to his defense. the roomie also came to the defense of parkdale librarians and hipsters.

- me forcing people to clean their plates with the declaration: "there's no p***ying out in my house" while cutting people their second slice of pie.

fun times. then we watched "the dark knight"! i'll post a full review tomorrow. tonight is errands downtown and dodgeball then post-game eats at duff's on college. wings!


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