Thursday, March 13, 2008

effin A!

i think i've just gotten enough information together to finish my international organizations assignment almost a week early! yes, guy! i'm so pumped! this puts me wicked ahead of schedule (kinda). this one was relatively painless, all things considered, but i can't hope that the last assignment is going to be the same. the last one is shaping up to be a marathon, 20-hours-at-the-gov-docs-library, epic, panty-twister, hair-puller. but it's best not to dwell on such things and in the meantime, think happy thoughts about how this one only took me like, 5 hours to do (with a little help from my friends - shouts out to the coach, sg!)

the dotytron and i are going to play grown-up tomorrow. we have an appointment after work at the bank to try to see how much money they'd be willing to lend us (as in, pre-approved mortgage). this should be interesting. my friend g at work gave me a list of things i should bring: t4, bank accounts, loans/visas, liabilities (i'm ALREADY bringing the dotytron...ha!), etc. i'm not taking this *too* seriously at this point...like i said, it's just pretend grown-up to see what kind of hovel we'd be eligible for. i'm picturing a spectacular cardboard box along the rt route in scarborough, leaning just-so against the graffiti murals.

tomorrow evening we also have plans to take my very pregnant co-worker out to dinner along with my work friends, k and g. we're going to el sol...i hope they like it! i always feel so responsible when i recommend a place...although i don't know anyone who DOESN'T like it there (even WITH the exorbitant, $10 guacamole...ai yi yi!).

in other news, i'm enormously thrilled because next week, my first ever boyfriend (whom i'm vague acquaintances with now) is having a 30th birthday party, and i stalked the email invite list and lo and behold, my FIRST REAL NEMESIS IS GOING TO BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sooooo exciting! she's a high school nemesis, which is when i first started cultivating a REAL hate-on for stupid b***hes. also, i haven't seen her in years and years and years and my half-assed stalking on facebook (getting the dotytron to add her as a friend using some trumped-up excuse that they used to live down the street from each other in markham...lol!!!) reveals that time has not been kind. AMAZE. i know i sound like a petty, awful person, and i kinda am sometimes, but at least i OWN it. i don't know what i'm going to wear! this outfit has to be chosen with the utmost care to transmit equal parts "young, confident, successful, cool" AND "insouciant, devil-may-care, pop-culturally savvy, and haven't-thought-about-you-in-years-and-possibly-don't-even-
remember-your-name."

to flesh out the terribly sordid and banal back-story, i had been dating my first ever boyfriend for like a year, and he had two sets of friends: the lsd-loving industrial-music, beyond alt subgenious crew (most of whom i still consort with to this day) and this weird, keener, goody-goody lame-o, shrill, girl posse of losers, who were all about doing charity work and volunteering and exhibiting school spirit. my nemesis was in the latter group. and she kind of hated me on sight, but was too much of a shrill, keener, lame-o to come out and say it, so instead chose passive aggressive tactics to illustrate her disapproval. like oh, i don't know, SETTING MY BOYFRIEND UP ON A DATE WITH HER RECOVERING ANOREXIC BEST FRIEND IN FRONT OF ME. i repeat: I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. "l is coming home tonight from so-and-so, do you want to come over to my house and welcome her home?" B***H, PLEASE. i know it doesn't SOUND like much, but to the credit of my rapier-sharp instincts, shortly after we broke up, guess whose arms he went running into? that's right clever readers: the recovering anorexic best friend. the recovering anorexic best friend became guilty by association. she tried really hard to overcompensate for her innate goody-goodyness by fostering an interest in semi-out-there music (if you consider, like, clutch or the early 90s sonic unyon stable to be semi-out-there - not like, danzig out there) and being overly saccharine to me and feigning an interest in my awesomeness (my awesomeness was somewhat latent, but simmering just below the surface, visible to those gifted with an exceptional perspicacity.) she wasn't mean, per se, but she was mean by virtue of having a skag for a best friend. sorry folks, that's just the way the cards were dealt. nemesis was on a campaign to get me ousted from my first boyfriend's life. THE WORST. i don't forget slights like that, easily (dr. rei would say that i don't forget ANYTHING easily, because in addition to being an industrious pig, my memory is that of an industrious elephant-pig hybrid). i tried to add recovering anorexic best friend as a friend on facebook but she was too crafty for my stalking, voyeuristic ways. this prompted me to stick a nail in the coming-off-as-a-right-proper-nutjob coffin, by sending her a message where i basically laid it out on the line: "look, i OBVIOUSLY only want to add you as a friend so i can check out your pictures and see what your life is like, so why don't you just cut the crap and give it up?" <-- ever the charmer, i am. smooth as siiilk.

the gist of it is, i can't wait to do my usual "descend in a blaze of karl lagerfeld at 28 glory, mingle long enough to shore up the stores of petty vindication for years to come, disappear in a glittering supernova puff of sparkles" routine. watch, just my luck i'll come down with ringworm over my entire face...or the michael jackson disease i'm periodically convinced that i have. ha! serves me right for being so vain that i probably think this song is about me.

i had leftover stew for dinner tonight...i can't wait for el sol tomorrow!

fin.

2 comments:

Chris said...

i'd say that pretty much sums the story up nicely. rant of rants!

dr.rei said...

hahaha awesome rant. and yes folks, karl lagerfeld forgets nothing. no embarrassing detail gets left behind!